Back in January 2016 we had a contractor that didn’t finish a job on our house that we paid him for. Then in February my sister and I had a falling out with my mom. Throw in some marriage struggles and the contentious 2016 presidential election cycle and the proverbial camel’s back was broken. 2016 became The Year of Finally Reaching The Limit Of Crap I Can Handle.
What it had felt like for many, many years was that I was trying to hold on to a tree in the midst of a tornado. I finally allowed myself to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. When I let go, the storm magically stopped. It was as if admitting that I had no control allowed the storm to dissipate. Things became calm.
The wreckage was still there, though. And now I’m sifting through it. In this sifting process, I have realized I’m angry. Like, really, really angry. I would even describe it as a feeling of rage sometimes. It’s been simmering for a long time, like a big, angry, boiling pot with little bits boiling over now and then, but always full, always on high heat.
The BIG POT became a part of me that I ignored.
A part that I might acknowledge from time to time but never investigate too closely.
But over time the pot kept getting bigger and hotter.
So I decided to knock that BIG POT over.
As a therapist I know anger is a secondary emotion–there are always emotions that precede the feeling of anger. And those feelings were in my BIG POT.
Fear. Disappointment. Betrayal. Abandonment. Injustice. Rejection. Sadness. Grief. Pain. Expectations. Inequality. These are all the feelings and themes in my big pot that are now being addressed.
What I’ve come to understand is that my anger is okay. If I continue to ignore it, it won’t go away. In fact, what I have found is that it just grows bigger, demanding attention.
So now, I’m giving it the attention it needs. It’s a tricky business because while I deal with past layers, I have to be conscious of my present feelings. I have a longing to place life on hold just a second, take care of the past and then come back to the present. If only.
As I begin to address these feelings, it feels like my moods fluctuate frequently and sometimes dramatically. I’ve always been one to value calm and harmony so this has been very annoying. One minute I’m fine. The next, I’m despairing. Up and down all the time and very emotional. Yet 10 months in, I’m seeing results.
What I have come to understand is that I have developed expert level status in avoiding pain but have not developed my skills at pushing through the pain so I see what’s on the other side.
But no more.
The only way to get through something is to get through it. Not to avoid it. Not to ignore it. Not to distract yourself from it. When you sit in that emotional mess, you can honestly feel the physical pain. Many times I have said, “I just don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this bad.” Sometimes weeks would pass without any real relief. Yet I stuck with it. I swam through it and crawled up on the shore, exhausted, but still alive.
And one thing I’ve found is that on the other side of that pain is just me. No fear. No worry. Just who I really am. The fierce me. The kind me. The non-judgmental me.
What I thought was a laid back, even keel person was in many ways someone who mostly avoided conflict, worried extensively about what others thought about her, worried constantly about rejection, and generally didn’t know how to advocate for her needs.
Often (ok, most of the time) my current feelings are linked up to past ones that reinforce narratives my mind has developed–“people will reject real you” and “no one is really interested in you” and “no one really cares about you.”
As I’ve been on this journey through 2017–The Year of Anger, I’ve realized there were two main reasons for anger and all the preceding feelings–a very stunted ability to be assertive and a lack of control over my response to my feelings and thoughts.
All the hurts from the past I wasn’t able to process had no where to go…somehow I expected myself to accept what had happened in my life without really knowing how to accept it. So I carried them with me. Not willingly, of course. But carry them, I did.
As I have allowed myself to be angry, to recognize it as signal that I need to look further into my thoughts and feelings, the intensity of my anger is diminishing. It is now month ten into this Year of Anger and as I look back I can see my progression.
I’m smiling a lot more. I’m finding myself relaxing and enjoying my family more. I’m able to calm myself down and process. I’m believing in myself. I’m less judgemental and more compassionate. I put up with way less bad behavior from other adults. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. I have been miserable for so long. And I didn’t even really know how much until I started dealing with it. It feels so amazing to be rid of the amount of crap I was carrying around.
If you’re feeling this way, if you can relate in any way, I want to tell you that it can get better. Borrow hope from me, and know that if you keep searching for your answers and your truth, you will find it.
I highly suggest seeing a professional counselor who can help you “sift through the crap” and get you started on that process of self discovery.
Also understand that this is a process. It’s not linear; it’s circular. As you grow and heal, you will revisit the same issues, but with better understanding and knowledge which will further deepen your ability to know yourself and process your feelings.
Here are a few things that can help you get started on processing your feelings, releasing your anger and being the authentic you:
- Allow yourself to go through the pain of addressing your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel crappy. It sucks. Like, really bad. It’s a physical pain. Ignoring it does not make it go away–it just grows bigger and bigger and takes more energy to keep it at bay. Understand that not going through it will just make it harder to deal with.
2. Be honest with yourself and how you are feeling. But also know feelings pass. As a wise person once told me, you can FEEL like superwoman but if you jump off a building you still won’t fly. Am I right? Feelings don’t always tell the whole story, so put them in their place. Feel bad when you are feeling bad. Feel happy when you are feeling happy. You are the sky and feelings are the clouds. They come and go. Sometimes it’s clear. Sometimes it’s storming. But they always come and they always go. ALWAYS. Become an expert at recognizing your own feelings and giving yourself permission to feel them but also permission to let them pass.
3. Brainstorm and implement coping strategies. “Feelings detox” requires a way to get the feelings out of your cells. Meditation, exercise, dancing, yoga, walking the dog, puzzles, crafting, writing, napping, cooking, the list goes on. Be proactive and practice these coping strategies before you are feeling bad, as a way to mitigate negative feelings that come up. Also, have a good selection of coping methods to turn to when you are feeling your worst. YOU MUST practice this self care in order to be able to process your feelings.
4. Investigate what is eliciting and what’s maintaining the thoughts and feelings leading to your anger. It’s quite possible that although some thoughts and feelings may cause you pain, they are habitual and comfortable in a weird way. And that’s okay. Recognize that and begin to question yourself about it. Challenge your beliefs. Why do I feel this way? What is keeping me feeling this way? What am I reacting to? Are there other ways that I can feel about this issue? What evidence am I using to feel this way? Even if I feel this way, what other way of responding can I try?
5. CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE. You may not be able to control your feelings or thoughts but you can ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS be in control of your response to them. ALWAYS. The freedom to choose and the responsibility that comes with this choice is what makes us human and what makes us elevate our functioning to a higher level. You can choose your response. So stop saying, “I should/shouldn’t feel this way” and instead say, “I do feel this way, what am I going to do about it?” And the longer you can pause between your feelings/thoughts and your response to them, the more you will create a better opportunity to engage in an action that truly reflects your core values and who you are as a person.
So, here we are. I’m right here with you, slogging through my own complex heap of emotions as I write. And I want you to know you can change and it can get better. Be patient with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. And most of all, believe that you can do it.
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