Okay, I don’t REALLY know how to parent teens, but I’m right in the middle of it (3 boys–17, 15 and almost 13) so I thought I would share a few observations I’ve made along the way.
First of all, there are a gazillion blogs and articles about parenting babies, toddlers, and single digit age children, and gradually those start to taper off until by the teenage years the resources from actual moms in the trenches dealing with the day to day life of parenting teens seems to be none. Let’s be honest though–your child’s cute misbehavior at 4 is not something so blog worthy at age 14. An epic meltdown seems way more scary than funny at age 16 than it does at 2. No one wants to video that and post it for millions to see. Parenting gets……complicated.
So where ARE all my moms at? My guess is that we are probably at work, or driving someone around, or going to a school function or rescuing the driver child who has run out of gas. We may be grocery shopping for the 500th time that week, paying for school lunch (again), or doing mental aerobics on how to encourage our children while not wanting to pull our hair out at the same time. And I can tell you this–you will never know a more dumb, smart person than your teenager. Something about puberty seems to create wide swaths of emptiness in common sense area of the teenage brain. You learn quickly to stop asking the question, “What were you thinking??” and to deal with what has happened. I will also guarantee that at some point you will be close to losing your mind when your child repeatedly insists on wearing shorts in -2 degree weather and doesn’t want to take a coat.
Parenting teens is hard, but not in the way I thought it would be. It is hard because I have had to confront my own personal issues in order to better navigate my teens’ behaviors and their newly forming sense of self.They begin to see you for who you are, your flaws included. Teens have hypersensitive “hypocrite radar” and will recognize it in you even if they have the good manners to not call you out on it. What you say doesn’t matter as much as what you do and the two need to match.
No pressure, right?
They’re driving. And dating. And making their own decisions that could potentially effect the rest of their lives. The stakes are a lot higher and that brings on a whole new set of worries.
Anyone who told you parenting gets easier lied to you.
It changes.
You grow.
They can wipe their own butts now and get jobs.
But it never gets easier.
I remember somewhat dreading the teenage years when my boys were younger because of all the horror stories I heard about parenting teens. But to be honest I love this stage, as I have loved every other stage before it. When I step back and reflect, I see how much I have changed and how I have had to adapt to their needs as young adults. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been worth it.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to when my boys are all adults and doing well. But then I remember that the mythical land of Nothing To Worry About does not exist. Parenting teens is teaching me to get a grip on my worry. To enjoy the time I do have. And to let go.
The teenage years are where you start to realize that despite your best efforts it might not be okay and you have zero control over that. The reality that they will make their own decisions, their own errors and live their own life is no longer deniable. It is up front and in your face. You may start to panic that you only have a few years left (or so it seems) to teach them what they need to know to survive. All of a sudden time begins to fast forward at a breath taking speed and all you want it to do is slow down.
The natural rhythm of parenting begins to shift. And if you don’t shift with it you may be out of touch with your child who needs you so much. The teenage years are when parents can begin to pull away from their children exactly at the moment they need the most guidance. (And not the type of guidance that masquerades as a smothering rightness in which your child cannot have his own opinion or the space to try things his own way.) Parenting teens is about listening. It is about really trying to understand their opinions and what they are trying to say. It is a weird balance of making sure they go to bed a decent time and monitoring their screen usage while also beginning to build friendships with the persons they are becoming.
I get it. Parenting teens is mentally exhausting and sometimes feels as though it is not worth the trouble. And to be honest, much of the time I feel like I’m failing. They don’t listen anyway………..right?
But they are listening. And watching. Securing their hearts is so important.
Never underestimate your ability to deepen your relationship with your teenager or establish better relationships with them. YOU, as the adult, must change and adapt. YOU must create the pathway to a relationship where communication is open and love and respect are given. And as you change, your child will respond. We, as the adults, must not hold our children to a higher standard than we do for our own selves. Listen first. Apologize when you are wrong. Be quick to make up after an argument. Give grace. Bite down the urge to lecture over and over. It’s not about not holding your kids to high standards…it’s about creating a relationship where they want to hold themselves to high standards.
The teenage years are when you can begin to invest that time into getting to know who your child is and become a Gandalf of sorts—a wise guide who comes along side the hobbit on his journey but cannot complete the journey for him. Because honestly, who doesn’t need a Gandalf in her life? And what greater gift can you give yourself than an adult child with whom you want to be friends?
Maybe when my boys are grown I’ll look back at this post and think how naive I was. Or how much I got it wrong. Even now, I know my own emotions can go back and forth so quickly, from feeling like I have it all under control to wanting to throw in the towel. It can feel like I’m failing much of the time. I often time don’t meet my own expectations for how I want to parent. Despite my failings, one thing I do know is that I love my kids and I love them extravagantly. I love them enough to set boundaries and expectations. I love them enough to understand their behavior isn’t personal….it’s about them, not me. I love them enough to keep growing and taking care of myself, so I can be the best parent to them.
At the end of the day I know that what I am doing matters. We are not promised tomorrow; as I get older that reality becomes so much more poignant. The time I am investing in my boys matters in the moment. It matters in the minute to minute and day to day interactions I have with them. And in the end, that is all I have to give to them. So I’m going to give it my best effort.
the incomplete life hacks guide to parenting teens:
Give them your undivided attention. Your teens still want your time and attention. They may not bug you for it like they did when they were little, but when they want to interact drop what you are doing and give them that time.
Give them hugs. Teens need that show of affection just as much as they did when they were young. Find a way to show that positive touch, whether it’s a hug, sitting next to them on the couch, or even playing a little one on one basketball. They’ll thank you later.
Give your support, not your judgement. Hardest thing you will ever do is support your teen without the “I told you so” attitude. Approach each situation as a learning moment and/or a teachable moment. Be prepared to bite your tongue a million times. Know the difference between your preference and a principle.
Invest in air fresheners and odor control products. I’m speaking only from the perspective of a mom of boys but I never realized the ungodly smells that can come from teenage boys–foot stench, armpit aroma, musty body haze, sweaty sewage and funky farts…….
Laugh a lot. My boys like to joke around and I have learned to loosen up and joke right back. (However there is a line) Humor can be a great way to make situations less frustrating. It can be a way kids communicate something without having to be upset about it. Be silly. Laugh. Enjoy the comedy.
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Please make this your motto. It’s never personal unless you make it so. Remember, you are the adult and you are the one in charge. You give away your power when you overreact. Try to view everything through the lens of teaching and instructing. If you are confident in what you are doing and how you are doing it, you aren’t going to be phased (too much) by the opinions of your kids. Not taking things personally and not taking everything they say as a judgement on your parenting will help you hear what they are really trying to say and model to them how to communicate effectively and respectfully.
Talk about drugs, alcohol and relationships. Have these conversations and have them often. Also, it’s hard to talk about these things if you are abusing or addicted to drugs or alcohol, or if you are in and out of relationships. If this describes you, get the help you need. Your kids need you.
Make them do chores. Self explanatory. I admit I pay my kids to do stuff sometimes. But most of time they do chores because they live here and it’s part of the deal for free food and rent.
Make them get a job. Help them get one. Or help them start their own business. Then make them pay for stuff.
Let them fail. Mistakes are part of life. Be the safety net they can fall into. Have high expectations but help them create their own motivation for succeeding at what they do. Teach them their worth is not tied up in their performance. Life lessons can’t be learned if you smooth out their path for them. Be there to encourage, hold them accountable and comfort them when they fall.
Don’t give into catastrophic thinking. Not all behaviors are going to lead them to prison. Try to keep perspective when dealing with them.
Don’t be an a$$hole. Pretty self explanatory. Listen to your kids. Invest your time in them. KEEP SARCASM TO A MINIMUM. Using sarcasm when there is a power imbalance in the relationship isn’t going to win you any points. Bite your tongue. Apologize. Laugh with them. Live life with them.
I want you to know, you can do this. Parenting teens is like becoming a parent for the first time….there is a steep learning curve. Get excited about all the personal growth you are going to experience. And don’t forget to laugh along the way.
Annie
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