Okay, I don’t REALLY know how to parent teens, but I’m right in the middle of it (3 boys–17, 15 and almost 13) so I thought I would share a few observations I’ve made along the way.

First of all, there are a gazillion blogs and articles about parenting babies, toddlers, and single digit age children, and gradually those start to taper off until by the teenage years the resources from actual moms in the trenches dealing with the day to day life of parenting teens seems to be none. Let’s be honest though–your child’s cute misbehavior at 4 is not something so blog worthy at age 14. An epic meltdown seems way more scary than funny at age 16 than it does at 2. No one wants to video that and post it for millions to see. Parenting gets……complicated.

So where ARE all my moms at? My guess is that we are probably at work, or driving someone around, or going to a school function or rescuing the driver child who has run out of gas. We may be grocery shopping for the 500th time that week, paying for school lunch (again), or doing mental aerobics on how to encourage our children while not wanting to pull our hair out at the same time. And I can tell you this–you will never know a more dumb, smart person than your teenager. Something about puberty seems to create wide swaths of emptiness in common sense area of the teenage brain. You learn quickly to stop asking the question, “What were you thinking??” and to deal with what has happened. I will also guarantee that at some point you will be close to losing your mind when your child repeatedly insists on wearing shorts in -2 degree weather and doesn’t want to take a coat.

They begin to see you for who you are, your flaws included. Teens have hypersensitive “hypocrite radar” and will recognize it in you even if they have the good manners to not call you out on it.  What you say doesn’t matter as much as what you do and the two need to match.

No pressure, right?

They’re driving. And dating. And making their own decisions that could potentially effect the rest of their lives. The stakes are a lot higher and that brings on a whole new set of worries.

Anyone who told you parenting gets easier lied to you.

It changes.

You grow.

They can wipe their own butts now and get jobs.

But it never gets easier.

I remember somewhat dreading the teenage years when my boys were younger because of all the horror stories I heard about parenting teens. But to be honest I love this stage, as I have loved every other stage before it. When I step back and reflect, I see how much I have changed and how I have had to adapt to their needs as young adults. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been worth it.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to when my boys are all adults and doing well. But then I remember that the mythical land of  Nothing To Worry About does not exist. Parenting teens is teaching me to get a grip on my worry. To enjoy the time I do have. And to let go.

The teenage years are where you start to realize that despite your best efforts it might not be okay and you have zero control over that. The reality that they will make their own decisions, their own errors and live their own life is no longer deniable. It is up front and in your face. You may start to panic that you only have a few years left (or so it seems) to teach them what they need to know to survive. All of a sudden time begins to fast forward at a breath taking speed and all you want it to do is slow down.

The natural rhythm of parenting begins to shift. And if you don’t shift with it you may be out of touch with your child who needs you so much. The teenage years are when parents can begin to pull away from their children exactly at the moment they need the most guidance. (And not the type of guidance that masquerades as a smothering rightness in which your child cannot have his own opinion or the space to try things his own way.) Parenting teens is about listening. It is about really trying to understand their opinions and what they are trying to say. It is a weird balance of making sure they go to bed a decent time and monitoring their screen usage while also beginning to build friendships with the persons they are becoming.

I get it. Parenting teens is mentally exhausting and sometimes feels as though it is not worth the trouble. And to be honest, much of the time I feel like I’m failing. They don’t listen anyway………..right?

But they are listening. And watching. Securing their hearts is so important.

Never underestimate your ability to deepen your relationship with your teenager or establish better relationships with them. YOU, as the adult, must change and adapt. YOU must create the pathway to a relationship where communication is open and love and respect are given. And as you change, your child will respond.  We, as the adults, must not hold our children to a higher standard than we do for our own selves. Listen first. Apologize when you are wrong. Be quick to make up after an argument. Give grace. Bite down the urge to lecture over and over. It’s not about not holding your kids to high standards…it’s about creating a relationship where they want to hold themselves to high standards.

The teenage years are when you can begin to invest that time into getting to know who your child is and become a Gandalf of sorts—a wise guide who comes along side the hobbit on his journey but cannot complete the journey for him. Because honestly, who doesn’t need a Gandalf in her life? And what greater gift can you give yourself than an adult child with whom you want to be friends? 

Maybe when my boys are grown I’ll look back at this post and think how naive I was. Or how much I got it wrong. Even now, I know my own emotions can go back and forth so quickly, from feeling like I have it all under control to wanting to throw in the towel. It can feel like I’m failing much of the time. I often time don’t meet my own expectations for how I want to parent. Despite my failings, one thing I do know is that I love my kids and I love them extravagantly. I love them enough to set boundaries and expectations. I love them enough to understand their behavior isn’t personal….it’s about them, not me. I love them enough to keep growing and taking care of myself, so I can be the best parent to them.

At the end of the day I know that what I am doing matters. We are not promised tomorrow; as I get older that reality becomes so much more poignant. The time I am investing in my boys matters in the moment. It matters in the minute to minute and day to day interactions I have with them. And in the end, that is all I have to give to them. So I’m going to give it my best effort.

the incomplete life hacks guide to parenting teens:

Give them your undivided attention. Your teens still want your time and attention. They may not bug you for it like they did when they were little, but when they want to interact drop what you are doing and give them that time.

Give them hugs. Teens need that show of affection just as much as they did when they were young. Find a way to show that positive touch, whether it’s a hug, sitting next to them on the couch, or even playing a little one on one basketball.  They’ll thank you later.

Give your support, not your judgement. Hardest thing you will ever do is support your teen without the “I told you so” attitude. Approach each situation as a learning moment and/or a teachable moment. Be prepared to bite your tongue a million times. Know the difference between your preference and a principle.

Invest in air fresheners and odor control products. I’m speaking only from the perspective of a mom of boys but I never realized the ungodly smells that can come from teenage boys–foot stench, armpit aroma, musty body haze, sweaty sewage and funky farts…….

Laugh a lot. My boys like to joke around and I have learned to loosen up and joke right back. (However there is a line) Humor can be a great way to make situations less frustrating. It can be a way kids communicate something without having to be upset about it. Be silly. Laugh. Enjoy the comedy.

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Please make this your motto. It’s never personal unless you make it so. Remember, you are the adult and you are the one in charge. You give away your power when you overreact. Try to view everything through the lens of teaching and instructing. If you are confident in what you are doing and how you are doing it, you aren’t going to be phased (too much) by the opinions of your kids. Not taking things personally and not taking everything they say as a judgement on your parenting will help you hear what they are really trying to say and model to them how to communicate effectively and respectfully.

Talk about drugs, alcohol and relationships. Have these conversations and have them often. Also, it’s hard to talk about these things if you are abusing or addicted to drugs or alcohol, or if you are in and out of relationships. If this describes you, get the help you need. Your kids need you.

Make them do chores. Self explanatory. I admit I pay my kids to do stuff sometimes. But most of time they do chores because they live here and it’s part of the deal for free food and rent.

Make them get a job. Help them get one. Or help them start their own business. Then make them pay for stuff.

Let them fail. Mistakes are part of life. Be the safety net they can fall into. Have high expectations but help them create their own motivation for succeeding at what they do. Teach them their worth is not tied up in their performance. Life lessons can’t be learned if you smooth out their path for them. Be there to encourage, hold them accountable and comfort them when they fall.

Don’t give into catastrophic thinking. Not all behaviors are going to lead them to prison. Try to keep perspective when dealing with them.

Don’t be an a$$hole. Pretty self explanatory. Listen to your kids. Invest your time in them. KEEP SARCASM TO A MINIMUM. Using sarcasm when there is a power imbalance in the relationship isn’t going to win you any points. Bite your tongue. Apologize. Laugh with them. Live life with them. 

I want you to know, you can do this. Parenting teens is like becoming a parent for the first time….there is a steep learning curve. Get excited about all the personal growth you are going to experience. And don’t forget to laugh along the way.

Annie

Meditation. Have you tried it yet? Because honestly, it’s the only thing I have done in my life that has helped me find the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about.

Stick with me here. Some of you may be scared off by the term, meditation. Growing up in a conservative Christian household, this kind of term invoked fears of a mystic, occult-ish fever that could very well end in demon possession and a loss of salvation (or at least that is what it seemed like).

But we’re adults now. And we understand that in every religion, meditation/prayer is a foundational aspect of each one.

Scientifically, meditation has been shown to have all kinds of health benefits, especially for mental health. Religiously, meditation is important to spiritual growth–even if you aren’t religious or spiritual, meditation is still important to your growth as a human being. Otherwise stated, meditation is for everyone.

For me, meditation is a practice and training that has forced me into very concrete understanding that I am not the sum of my parts. That although I have thoughts, feelings and actions, there is a part of me that is separate from those things. It’s the place where, I believe, God meets us when He commands us to BE STILL. It’s an untouchable part of us that is completely in the moment and at a peaceful readiness and calm.

Imagine your thoughts, feelings and actions as a bubbling stream running through the forest. Now imagine yourself sitting by the stream. To me, this is meditation. I pull myself out of the stream and sit by it for a few minutes each day (I do 10 minutes right now) and choose to be with the Creator. It’s where I strengthen myself to take on the day. It’s also where I find the courage to deal with feelings that can sometimes threaten to overtake me.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I remember the peace I have during my meditation.

When I want to yell or lash out in anger, I remember the calm I have during my meditation.

When my anxiety seems like it is raging past my control, I can stand outside of it knowing that a piece of me is at rest and eventually the storm will pass.

When my heart is pounding I can do my deep breathing to tap into that abilitly to bring myself back to a more calm state.

When I have nothing left to give, I remember that in that stillness I will be filled back up with enough to keep going, even if it is just enough for that day.

Just like physical exercise is necessary and has a multitude of benefits, I believe that meditation is a mental exercise necessary for everyone. You can review study after study, look at anecdotal evidence, and talk to people who practice it….it just works.

Do not hesitate to begin this practice. TODAY. Start and keep going….learn along the way.

If you are a mom I would IMPLORE you to start a practice like this. Start with 1 minute a day. Even that will make a difference. Get you kids in on it as well! If I could go back and only change one thing, it would be this. I would have started this practice when I first got pregnant and never stopped.

There is a great, free app called InsightTimer that can help you begin your mediation training. This is what I use. https://insighttimer.com/

Also Gina Ryan, at Anxiety Coaches Podcast http://www.theanxietycoachespodcast.com/ has some very helpful, educational podcasts on the benefits of mediation and how to get it going.

Don’t let the start keep you from getting started.

Peacefully yours,

Annie

It’s hard when you can’t fix it.

When you feel you’ve done what you can, you’ve stretched and grown and tried and tried again but your efforts don’t help. Your efforts only seem to make it worse.

Despite that, you keep trying. You feel hopeful. You get discouraged. But you keep going until one day you just have to stop.

It’s hard when you have to face the reality of the situation and understand that acceptance is your only option. That you must exist in a time and space where you can’t do anything but wait.

To be still.

To not give up but to also stop trying to fix it.

The wait is hard. It leaves room for self doubt. It revs you up to think, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO!

But there is nothing you can do.

Except wait.

And rest.

And reflect.

And think.

And give yourself over to the greater power that exists to make all things work together for good.

For your good.

Life doesn’t happen to us, it happens for us.

This is the lesson I’m taking from today.

In His Peace,

Annie

I have come to understand that I have anxiety. And I’ve been working on recovery. But for a long time…most of my life up until about a year ago…I didn’t understand what was actually going on with me. But that’s all content for different blog posts–I’m starting my story right where I’m at.

I had another anxiety episode about a week ago and this one wasn’t as bad as the last one in May, but it had been building up for about a week and then just seemed to all explode in one day and then continue for about 5 days.

As I’ve been on this long journey of self awareness and growth (it started about 10 years ago) I’ve worked through many issues and, as what typically happens, things “close to the bone” as I like to say, are typically the last areas you become aware of.

When I had a bad anxiety episode in May, I instantly understood it was anxiety and at that same moment realized that these type of attacks were what I had been dealing with since I was about 18 and most likely even younger than that…..I’m 40 now.

That’s a long time to deal with this kind of crap.

I had different labels for how I felt and different ways of coping but in the end I never really understood what it was I was dealing with. But in that moment of clear understanding, the illusions had been stripped away.

Anxiety wasn’t something other people had to go through.

It was what I was going through.

My dad died in 2001 and I’ve dreamed of him once; I have vivid dreams almost every night, and I often hope I will see him there but it doesn’t ever happen. The one dream I had with him in it I remember because it was so strange. When I woke up, I tried for days to figure out what it all meant. I wanted so desperately to understand what I had experienced in the dream but nothing seemed to make sense.

As I was self reflecting on the last couple of anxiety-filled weeks, I remembered that dream.

I instantly teared up because I finally knew what the dream meant and I knew what my dad was trying to tell me.

Today, I understood.

My dad was showing me this exact point in my life and he was so happy I finally got here. Where the core issues, the ones “close to the bone” are finally being revealed and cleaned away to uncover a sparkling me. That doing this work on some very painful and scary areas of my life is what was needed. He knew he couldn’t come with me as I was asking him to do (in the dream). He knew he couldn’t meet my boys. And he knew he couldn’t reveal to me what this was all about. But he was there, showing me anyway. That I was okay. That he was okay. That he’s still with me. And that I can be restored.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this but it was heavy on my heart and I wanted to share. I’m crying as I write this. I’m filled with sadness. I’m also filled with certainty and hope.

I want any of you struggling with anxiety to understand that healing CAN take place. That your work to heal yourself does and will produce results.

Burdens are heavy.

Feeling like $hit really sucks.

Sometimes in the middle of it, you can’t see the other side. But my promise to you is that it can change and it can get better.

Much love to all of you tonight,

Annie

Growing up in a conservative Christian household I definitely was exposed to the idea that the wife needs to be submissive to husband. My peers often talk about traditional marriage and letting their husbands lead and living a Biblical marriage. I say all this because I want you to know I was steeped in the idea that wife serves her husband as an act of love and divine purpose and everything just goes better when you let a man be a man.

And then about 6 years into my marriage I knew this wasn’t working for me (or my husband) and it took another 6 years for me to realize how I really felt and start acting more authentically in the relationship.

I keep asking myself what the hell does letting a man being a man even mean?

I have so many questions, like why the word, “let”?   Do women have God-endowed power and the only reason men are men is because we are allowing them to be? Like somehow men have an option of being something else and can only be  “man” in the relationship if we let them?

Allow/Let//Somehow women have all the power in the relationship and must give it back to men

????????????

Does a man being a man look the same to every man? Is what each man wants and needs in their relationship with their wife/girlfriend the same for each man?

Do you see where I’m going here? Because the more I think about that phrase the more I get confused.

Have you ever in your whole life, ever anywhere in any kind of literature or blogs or advice columnists ever, ever heard anyone say, “You need to let a woman be a woman” in the relationship? Like, not once have I heard that. Seriously, just for fun Google these two phrases and and see what you get. It just seems so silly when I think about that phrase!

I came up with a new life hacks strategy to help all you women out there who want to improve your relationship with your man. This advice may even help you improve your relationships adults in your life! Bonus!

HOW TO HELP YOUR MAN BE THE BEST HE CAN BE ( how to let a man be a man)

1. Stop picking up after him.
2. Expect him to do his share of the chores because he is an adult and lives there too. He probably won’t do it like you would but stop being anal and just appreciate that you don’t have to do it.
3. Don’t be his mom–as in,  don’t treat him like a child (even if he is acting like one.)
4. Build him up–we all need someone who thinks we are awesome!
5. Encourage his parenting abilities.  Dads are amazing! And so important!
6. Allow him to love you in the way he can love you. If you need something different, communicate that.
7. Set boundaries. Set boundaries. Set boundaries.
8. Stop being mad at the things you are wanting him to do but are not asking him to do. It may (okay, it will) take more than one time asking for it to be heard.
9. Stop expecting him to be your best (girl) friend. That’s not his job. He’s your man and that fills a different but vital role in your life.
10. Accept him for who he is and never stop trying to get to know him better. Be his friend and his lover!

That’s a very short list, but it’s a start!

If you are in a relationship where you are being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused— this advice is not for you! Please seek help for your situation. Verbal, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse in a relationship is never okay!

I was one of those people that got through the washing and drying just fine, but the folding and putting away were typically put off until it reached mountain stage and I told one of my boys to do it.  In general my thought about laundry was this–

One day I was watching a show on Netflix and I heard the phrase, “A stitch in time saves nine.” I knew what it meant but I looked it up anyway; here’s what I got from Dictionary.com: if you sort out a problem immediately it may save a lot of extra work later. Which got me thinking. 

What if I did exactly opposite of what I’m doing now? Would this solve my laundry frustrations?

Household Hack #184

The current load of laundry in the dryer must be folded AND put away before any new loads can be put in.

I absolutely could not empty the dryer unless I was prepared to fold and put away what was in it.

CRAZY, RIGHT????

But it works. It takes a bit of strategy, but it works.

It takes AT THE MOST 5 minutes (because I timed myself) to fold and put away a load at my house.

Mind blowing.

It takes a little discipline to do it. Sometimes the clothes may sit in the dryer a few days before I get to them but that’s okay. The 5 minutes (or less) that it takes me to fold and put away saves me so much time and frustration later.

IT WORKS.

Seriously, I don’t have any more laundry piles.

You will transform your whole laundry future if you do this, I promise! No more laundry chair. No more clothes on the couch or bed. No more annoying piles of clean clothes that get strewn about or stuck in laundry baskets for weeks. And you can teach your kids to do this as well. A win-win for everyone.

IT’S A MIRACLE!

Now my laundry life is more like this:

instead of this:

Cheers!

Annie

Back in January 2016 we had a contractor that didn’t finish a job on our house that we paid him for. Then in February my sister and I had a falling out with my mom. Throw in some marriage struggles and the contentious 2016 presidential election cycle and the proverbial camel’s back was broken. 2016 became The Year of Finally Reaching The Limit Of Crap I Can Handle.

What it had felt like for many, many years was that I was trying to hold on to a tree in the midst of a tornado. I finally allowed myself to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. When I let go, the storm magically stopped. It was as if admitting that I had no control allowed the storm to dissipate. Things became calm.

The wreckage was still there, though. And now I’m sifting through it. In this sifting process, I have realized I’m angry. Like, really, really angry. I would even describe it as a feeling of rage sometimes. It’s been simmering for a long time, like a big, angry, boiling pot with little bits boiling over now and then, but always full, always on high heat.

The BIG POT became a part of me that I ignored.

A part that I might acknowledge from time to time but never investigate too closely.

But over time the pot kept getting bigger and hotter.

So I decided to knock that BIG POT over.

As a therapist I know anger is a secondary emotion–there are always emotions that precede the feeling of anger. And those feelings were in my BIG POT.

Fear. Disappointment. Betrayal. Abandonment. Injustice. Rejection. Sadness. Grief. Pain. Expectations. Inequality.  These are all the feelings and themes in my big pot that are now being addressed.

What I’ve come to understand is that my anger is okay. If I continue to ignore it, it won’t go away. In fact, what I have found is that it just grows bigger, demanding attention.

So now, I’m giving it the attention it needs.  It’s a tricky business because while I deal with past layers, I have to be conscious of my present feelings. I have a longing to place life on hold just a second, take care of the past and then come back to the present. If only.

As I begin to address these feelings, it feels like my moods fluctuate frequently and sometimes dramatically. I’ve always been one to value calm and harmony so this has been very annoying. One minute I’m fine. The next, I’m despairing. Up and down all the time and very emotional. Yet 10 months in, I’m seeing results.

What I have come to understand is that I have developed expert level status in avoiding pain but have not developed my skills at pushing through the pain so I see what’s on the other side.

But no more.

The only way to get through something is to get through it. Not to avoid it. Not to ignore it. Not to distract yourself from it. When you sit in that emotional mess, you can honestly feel the physical pain. Many times I have said, “I just don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this bad.” Sometimes weeks would pass without any real relief.  Yet I stuck with it. I swam through it and crawled up on the shore, exhausted, but still alive.

And one thing I’ve found is that on the other side of that pain is just me. No fear. No worry. Just who I really am. The fierce me. The kind me. The non-judgmental me.

What I thought was a laid back, even keel person was in many ways someone who mostly avoided conflict, worried extensively about what others thought about her, worried constantly about rejection, and generally didn’t know how to advocate for her needs.

Often (ok, most of the time) my current feelings are linked up to past ones that reinforce narratives my mind has developed–“people will reject real you” and “no one is really interested in you” and “no one really cares about you.”

As I’ve been on this journey through 2017–The Year of Anger, I’ve realized there were two main reasons for anger and all the preceding feelings–a very stunted ability to be assertive and a lack of control over my response to my feelings and thoughts.

All the hurts from the past I wasn’t able to process had no where to go…somehow I expected myself to accept what had happened in my life without really knowing how to accept it. So I carried them with me. Not willingly, of course. But carry them, I did.

As I have allowed myself to be angry, to recognize it as signal that I need to look further into my thoughts and feelings, the intensity of my anger is diminishing.  It is now month ten into this Year of Anger and as I look back I can see my progression.

I’m smiling a lot more. I’m finding myself relaxing and enjoying my family more. I’m able to calm myself down and process. I’m believing in myself. I’m less judgemental and more compassionate. I put up with way less bad behavior from other adults. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. I have been miserable for so long. And I didn’t even really know how much until I started dealing with it. It feels so amazing to be rid of the amount of crap I was carrying around.

If you’re feeling this way, if you can relate in any way, I want to tell you that it can get better. Borrow hope from me, and know that if you keep searching for your answers and your truth, you will find it.

I highly suggest seeing a professional counselor who can help you “sift through the crap” and get you started on that process of self discovery.

Also understand that this is a process. It’s not linear; it’s circular. As you grow and heal, you will revisit the same issues, but with better understanding and knowledge which will further deepen your ability to know yourself and process your feelings.

Here are a few things that can help you get started on processing your feelings, releasing your anger and being the authentic you:

1. Allow yourself to go through the pain of addressing your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel crappy. It sucks. Like, really bad. It’s a physical pain. Ignoring it does not make it go away–it just grows bigger and bigger and takes more energy to keep it at bay. Understand that not going through it will just make it harder to deal with.
   

2. Be honest with yourself and how you are feeling. But also know feelings pass. As a wise person once told me, you can FEEL like superwoman but if you jump off a building you still won’t fly.  Am I right? Feelings don’t always tell the whole story, so put them in their place. Feel bad when you are feeling bad. Feel happy when you are feeling happy. You are the sky and feelings are the clouds. They come and go. Sometimes it’s clear. Sometimes it’s storming. But they always come and they always go. ALWAYS. Become an expert at recognizing your own feelings and giving yourself permission to feel them but also permission to let them pass.

3. Brainstorm and implement coping strategies. “Feelings detox” requires a way to get the feelings out of your cells. Meditation, exercise, dancing, yoga, walking the dog, puzzles, crafting, writing, napping, cooking, the list goes on. Be proactive and practice these coping strategies before you are feeling bad, as a way to mitigate negative feelings that come up. Also, have a good selection of coping methods to turn to when you are feeling your worst. YOU MUST practice this self care in order to be able to process your feelings.

4. Investigate what is eliciting and what’s maintaining the thoughts and feelings leading to your anger. It’s quite possible that although some thoughts and feelings may cause you pain, they are habitual and comfortable in a weird way. And that’s okay. Recognize that and begin to question yourself about it. Challenge your beliefs. Why do I feel this way? What is keeping me feeling this way? What am I reacting to? Are there other ways that I can feel about this issue? What evidence am I using to feel this way? Even if I feel this way, what other way of responding can I try?

5. CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE. You may not be able to control  your feelings or thoughts but you can ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS be in control of your response to them. ALWAYS. The freedom to choose and the responsibility that comes with this choice is what makes us human and what makes us elevate our functioning to a higher level. You can choose your response. So stop saying, “I should/shouldn’t feel this way” and instead say, “I do feel this way, what am I going to do about it?” And the longer you can pause between your feelings/thoughts and your response to them, the more you will create a better opportunity to engage in an action that truly reflects your core values and who you are as a person.

So, here we are. I’m right here with you, slogging through my own complex heap of emotions as I write. And I want you to know you can change and it can get better. Be patient with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. And most of all, believe that you can do it.

DECIDE TO DO THE ACTIVITIES YOU NEED TO DO REACH YOUR GOALS

THEN DO THEM EVERY DAY

You must start. As you start, you will figure it out along the way. You can’t expect yourself to know all the steps but you can expect yourself to take the next step. And you take those steps by engaging in the activities you have planned out in your action plan. Those series of decisions to take one more step will eventually lead you right where you want to go.

Decide every day that this day you will do what you set out to do.

Then do the activities you have already planned out to reach your goal.

Here’s a little case study on the steps to life transformation. If you notice the dates on these posts, I wrote steps 1 , 2, 3 and 4  in February and now it is September. I got stuck on Step 4.

Yep, I was following my own advice and then got stuck.

Seriously.

You’ll laugh when you read what my goal was (and still is):

CONSISTENCY IN EFFORT TOWARD MY GOALS

Good God, who knew it would be this hard. Apparently I wasn’t as ready to change as I thought I was–see Step 3  

And then one day I was.

In fact, it was September 6th, 2017, and I finally decided the pain of staying the same and getting the same results was too unbearable.

And now I’m doing it!

The kids I work with will often say, “I CAN’T DO IT!” as they are doing the exact thing they are saying they can’t do.

“BUT YOU ARE DOING IT!!” I always reply, smiling.

Which is exactly what I have been saying to myself these last 8 days.

YOU ARE DOING IT!

I was so, so tired of not doing the consistent work I needed to do to reach my goals. In fact, the YEARS of frustration with myself lead many times to the depression I struggle with. Which in turn led to lack of motivation and more avoidance. Which led to more frustration.

Then one day, I decided that I was going to start.

I’d start with a small goal, to prove to myself I could be consistent.

I’d let my success with that fuel more successes.

I’d take the time to understand the habitual thoughts and feelings that led to my starts and stops in the past.

I would no longer let myself stop doing the activities that would get me to my goal.

And you know what I found??????

One of the biggest roadblocks to my consistency was the belief that I really COULDN’T do it. That I would once again disappoint myself.  That I would fail like I had before and the time before that and the time before that.

Deep down to my soul I didn’t believe in myself. This realization settled on me and it was so freeing because for the first time I truly understood in my soul and not just in my head that the only one holding me back was me.

That’s it.

And another deeper truth I realized was that I am scared of success.

Scared of doing well and not being able to sustain it.

Scared of not knowing how to be successful through my low days and days where I just want to be in bed all day.

Scared of knowing I didn’t know how to be consistent in my effort at what I wanted to accomplish and fearful that any success would be a fluke and I would end up in more failure and disappointment.

My answer to these fears is to do what have I decided to do despite how I feel and despite what I think.

This is where I came up with the 100 day transformation challenge for myself.

I like to talk to myself and I said,  “Annie, the 100 days are going to pass anyway, you might as well just do this for 100 days and see if anything changes. You will lose nothing. And you have the potential to gain a whole lot.”

So here is the goal that I’m working on, using my own 6 steps:

My goal is to BE CONSISTENT IN MY EFFORT TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS

The habits preventing me from this are:

• Negative self talk (You can’t do this, you’re going to fail, etc.)
• Making excuses (I’ll do it later, I’m too tired)
• Not prioritizing my time (time wasters like Facebook, etc.)

Ways I will achieve this goal (using SMART method):

100 push-ups every day for 100 days

1 minute plank every day for 100 days

1 post on Instagram every day for 100 days

I picked these actions to achieve my goal because they are

specific and measurable;

attainable for what I can do at this moment;

relevant because two of my larger goals are to get in shape and work on my blog/social media business sites;

and time-bound–100 days seemed long enough and had a nice ring to it.

AND I’M DOING IT!

I’m taking each day one by one and deciding each day to do what I have set out to do.

Nothing in my life has changed except for my commitment to do these things NO MATTER WHAT.

Every day I fight back the habitual thoughts that tell me I can’t do this just like Wonder Woman deflects those  bullets with her arm bands…..

Every day I fight back the feeling that my efforts won’t get me where I want to go and that it is too hard to keep going……

Every day I focus on what I have done over the previous days and what I will do for that day……..

Every day I focus on how good it feels to keep this promise to myself…….

Every day I focus on what it will feel like to reach that 100 days and tell myself I did it…..

So here’s my encouragement to you.

The worst thing that can happen from this whole process is that you  learn more about yourself and  what does and does not work for you.

Pretty awful, right?

Sometimes when you are working on change it doesn’t feel like you are doing it. All you can see is what you aren’t doing yet and your actions may not feel like how you expect them to feel.

TRUST THE PROCESS.

Keep at it on a consistent basis. DON’T STOP PRACTICING! Don’t stop doing what will get you where you want to go.

Stand back like you would if you were teaching a child to ride a bike and yell, “YOU’RE DOING IT!” over and over to yourself.

Get excited for yourself when you make that first long run without falling off. Feel that rush as your legs are pumping hard and that bike is not falling over.

So what if you don’t know how to use the brakes yet! So what if you are a little wobbly! So what if you fall off and scrape up your hands and knees!

You get your butt back up on that bike and keep practicing!

YOU ARE DOING IT!

And then just keep going.

Great job!

Now action can begin.

Look at your list of habits you would like to change. Spend some time thinking about how you will overcome those habits and make new ones. Don’t get bogged down in this, just make sure you are prepared for the way you may get in your own way.

Now make an action plan for your goal. I like to use SMART method because it is a simple and effective way to come up with a workable action plan.

S-Specific

M-Measurable

A-Achievable

R-Relevant/Realistic

T-Time bound

(For more details about SMART goals, read up on them here )

Here are some questions to get you going on your action plan.

Specifically what activities do you need to be doing to reach your goal? Is what you’re wanting to do achievable in a realistic time frame? Do you need to break down your goal into smaller steps? In what ways will you measure you progress? Is what you are asking yourself to do realistic? Is the change you are trying to make relevant to where you are at in your life right now? How will this change effect you in present moment? Did you attach a time frame to this? Is it time bound? What are means are you using to determine the time frame?

Now onto STEP 6 for the final and most important piece of transformation.

I’ve included  a little case study on how I did following my own advice!

This game is similar to successfully achieving your ONE THING.

It’s not a straight line. It may require small steps and, occasionally, big leaps. There are obstacles. Sometimes you fall in and have to start over. It’s fun. It’s challenging. And in the case of real life, it can be frustrating and disappointing. But it is all a part of the process.

Understand that any change you want to make also requires a mindset ready for change.

You must give room for failure along with the small steps forward, knowing that it is all leading toward your success.

Understand that true change happens when you change your habits and that requires patience, time and self-compassion.

With this in mind, let’s start on the action plan to meet your goal. Grab your piece of paper with your ONE THING on it and ask yourself the following question:

What habits will you need to replace or change in order to meet this goal?

Before you write these down, think about habits in terms of actions and thoughts.

For example, if your goal is to lose weight, one action you may need to replace is drinking pop. One thought you may have a habit of thinking that needs replacement is, “I’m so lazy.”

Write down your answers……be as thorough and as comprehensive as you can be.

You may start to feel overwhelmed looking at the list. You may start to feel a little anxious or have seeds of doubt. Understand that this is normal response when we start to dig a little deeper into who we are as habitual creatures. Don’t let the start stop you.

Also understand that this list could just be the tip of the iceberg on feelings and actions that are troublesome in your life. It’s okay! You have to start somewhere. Please don’t turn back now.

And remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this……doing it is the most important thing.

Once you are done with this habit list, you will have what you need to create your action plan.

At this point you should have your ONE THING picked, your values inventory done, your readiness assessed and a list of habits you will need to replace/change in order to accomplish your ONE THING.

If all of these are done, proceed to STEP FIVE.