I wrote this post in October and have decided to share it now. I hope that it offers some solace to those who are experiencing anxiety right now.
I have come to understand that I have anxiety. And I’ve been working on recovery. But for a long time…most of my life up until about a year ago…I didn’t understand what was actually going on with me. But that’s all content for different blog posts–I’m starting my story right where I’m at.
I had another anxiety episode about a week ago and this one wasn’t as bad as the last one in May, but it had been building up for about a week and then just seemed to all explode in one day and then continue for about 5 days.
As I’ve been on this long journey of self awareness and growth (it started about 10 years ago) I’ve worked through many issues and, as what typically happens, things “close to the bone” as I like to say, are typically the last areas you become aware of.
When I had a bad anxiety episode in May, I instantly understood it was anxiety and at that same moment realized that these type of attacks were what I had been dealing with since I was about 18 and most likely even younger than that…..I’m 40 now.
That’s a long time to deal with this kind of crap.
I had different labels for how I felt and different ways of coping but in the end I never really understood what it was I was dealing with. But in that moment of clear understanding, the illusions had been stripped away.
Anxiety wasn’t something other people had to go through.
It was what I was going through.
My dad died in 2001 and I’ve dreamed of him once; I have vivid dreams almost every night, and I often hope I will see him there but it doesn’t ever happen. The one dream I had with him in it I remember because it was so strange. When I woke up, I tried for days to figure out what it all meant. I wanted so desperately to understand what I had experienced in the dream but nothing seemed to make sense.
As I was self reflecting on the last couple of anxiety-filled weeks, I remembered that dream.
I instantly teared up because I finally knew what the dream meant and I knew what my dad was trying to tell me.
Today, I understood.
My dad was showing me this exact point in my life and he was so happy I finally got here. Where the core issues, the ones “close to the bone” are finally being revealed and cleaned away to uncover a sparkling me. That doing this work on some very painful and scary areas of my life is what was needed. He knew he couldn’t come with me as I was asking him to do (in the dream). He knew he couldn’t meet my boys. And he knew he couldn’t reveal to me what this was all about. But he was there, showing me anyway. That I was okay. That he was okay. That he’s still with me. And that I can be restored.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this but it was heavy on my heart and I wanted to share. I’m crying as I write this. I’m filled with sadness. I’m also filled with certainty and hope.
I want any of you struggling with anxiety to understand that healing CAN take place. That your work to heal yourself does and will produce results.
Burdens are heavy.
Feeling like $hit really sucks.
Sometimes in the middle of it, you can’t see the other side. But my promise to you is that it can change and it can get better.
Much love to all of you tonight,
Annie
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